Today I feel grateful. Grateful for all the people in my life who put up with me. Who don't give up on me. And who continuously listen and support me, no matter how annoying/frustrating/tedious I get.

Day two. Watching The Biggest Loser. Remembering the feeling of euphoria that exercise can induce. Revelation of knowing that even though I feel so far away from the end goal. Um. Hello? It's all about the journey douchebag. Seriously. I think what I meant was that I feel far away from where I was in terms of eating and discipline, and feel as though if I have spun out of control in such an intense way (five day binge-fest), then it can easily happen again and that's an incredibly scary thought. I feel weak in terms of self control. Especially since I'm already planning things for my cheat day (should read meal) on Saturday. I've set myself some ground rules; no fructose and a maximum of 2000 calories. Anyway, back to The Biggest Loser revelation: if they had never begun, if they hadn't endured those first few torturous training sessions, they would never have gotten to where they are now, particularly in terms of experiencing that euphoric sensation, which means they would have just stayed in the same miserable pit they had been rotting in. It takes courage. It takes strength and perseverance. It takes getting through the good days and remembering that feeling when the bad days come. It takes getting up from the bad days and continuing on, even though one is angry and disappointed in one's self.

I super bad didn't want to go to work today. It is a new job and I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to be bored and start eating out of boredom. Which, in addition to the other emotional eating I do, is not something else I want to have to deal with. I want a fulfilling career damn it. I don't want to dread going to work because it's dull and tedious and unsatisfying and just thoroughly unenjoyable. Anyway. I went despite most of my person objecting to this act of obedience. Yes, it was a little boring but okay. My manager is lovely, which is another thing I am most grateful for.

Another big day tomorrow. Then a sleep in on Thursday and work in the afternoon. Then a big day on Friday. My next day off is Monday, which to be honest, is a little daunting. On the other hand, I do like being busy and feeling productive, and some of the shifts I have are only four hours, which helps a bits.  (The plural was on purpose by the way; just for all those grammar elitists out there.)

So today's happiness comes from sticking to my calorie goal. It comes from defying my 'headiness' and going to work anyway, and from not exercising excessively but instead doing some career work.

Yay for that.

11.32pm. Technically it's still day one. But just felt the urge to write again. Today has been comparatively good to what I thought it would be. I worked on some career stuff and made a choice that empowered me, as opposed to subjecting myself to something that I really didn't want to do. 

I do those things a lot. That being those things I don't want to do, but do them out of obligation or guilt. I'm tired of doing 'that.' It's crap. A complete waste of time and energy. And it causes all types of ramifications, such as the emotional stuffing down of feelings (binge/stress eating) and a ridiculous amount of worrying and stressing. I just realised I'm going on about this way too much and giving 'that' way too much sense of occasion. So, to summarise, today was good because I, one, empowered myself, and two, worked on my career, which is of utmost importance to me, particularly at this point in my life. 

Additionally, eating is back on track. I stuck to my calorie limit, went walking, and even though I'm hella angry at myself for the past five days. Speaking to a friend today who understands the whole binge thing was really helpful. She made me feel like I wasn't as alone as I truly feel. 

Even after the successful and positive things that happened today, I still get flashes of anger at the drama I've done. When I was doing so well. And then I stuffed it all up. Oh big flash of anger happening right now. But all I can do, as with any emotion is to ride the wave. Sit through it, without reaching for any exterior substance to numb the pain. To sit there, in it's heinous stench and wait for it to pass. Because it will. Pass. It will build, then break, then crash and then slowly roll away, leaving froth bubbles in it's wake. I love froth. Frothy cappuccinos are my utter and complete joy. Froth is good. Froth means that the pain is over. Froth represents winning. Froth means it's all good. 

So day one was good. And now it's over. Tomorrow I start a new job. I'm scared. It was one of the reasons I had my binge fest I think. I hate the unknown. I hate being bored. And as I stated above, I hate doing things I don't want to do. The other reason is quite personal and I think I need to keep it under wraps. 

So anyway. Day two. Brace thyself. Brace thyself.

365 Days of Happiness...#DayOne

It's been a while. A while indeed. Let's cut tot the chase, shall we?

After five days of binging and reaching rock bottom (yet again), it is time to take definitive action. It's sink or swim from here onwards. I'm at a crossroads in my life. Is it time to stop. To just bloody stop. I'm so tired of the roller coaster and binging and dieting and low carb and no carb, spending two hours at the gym, running six days a week, Bikram three days a week and high protein, high fat...once I binged on butter. Yeah, we don't even need to go into the details of that. 

Feeling incredibly low, so will keep this introduction short. But basically but goal is to go three hundred and sixty fives days without binging. Three hundred and sixty five days of not relying on food for emotional support, for use as a reward or really anything other than nourishment. Six days a week I will be at 1200 calories and one day a week 2000 calories will be permitted. Exercise is encouraged, but not essential. It will be used as a fun activity and not something that is meant to punish or hold one back from doing things one enjoys. We (well, my body and my mind, which I have discovered are two very different and separate entities) are going to try, attempt and look towards living mindfully and being happy, each and every day. Perhaps not all day everyday, but certainly that will be the objective set for each day. Food will not take precedence. It will be eaten mindfully and will not (just to reiterate) be used as a tool to supposedly 'fill one's void' or simply excite one. 

In conjunction, I have decided to give up Facebook, as I find it simply distracts and does not add richness to one's life in the slightest.

So there's my confession. My heart laid bare. It's going to be tough. No food or friend network is going to get a little lonely. But through discipline and the act of stripping back comes tremendous freedom. And I surely look forward to that. 

So here's to day one. The hardest day. And all the days to come, may strength, peace and an abundance of love pave the way...