Voided

There is a void. In me. Something not quite right and I feel ill at ease. It's been a tumultuous weekend, that's for sure. In short, family drama. Usually, I tend to keep out of arguments and the like, however, this time, I was stuck right in the middle of the drama. Some of it was even my fault. I apologised and made amends with the appropriate people, however, the void lingered.

So, what to do? My first impulse, taken directly from the thorn in my flesh would be to eat. To drown my void in Tim Tams, chips, apple pie, and thick slabs of bread lathered in French butter (quite literally, butter that is specifically French, which by the way, is divine). However, for the first time, in, well, the history of myself, I didn't want to do this. Scratch that. Actually, my first impulse was to do this, however, instead of divulging into this activity without a second thought, I actually stopped, and thought about it (for a change), and decided that I just could not bear feeling icky and sickly the following day, along with all those other feelings of failure and self-loathing that accompany their dear friends. Instead I managed to realise that in actuality, food would not fill the void at all; it would simply exacerbate the problem. Progress people, progress! Healing, in all its wondrous ways, takes time.

Therefore, food bypassed, and apologies made, how do I fill this void? I'm not tired. Not tired at all. I slept for a lengthy and quality amount of time last night and woke up feeling rested and rejuvenated. It may or may not have to do with an elusive essay that just happens to be due on Wednesday that I may or may not have started, and that I simply cannot muster the motivation to begin. However, besides all this, there is a specific relationship in my life that is not quite right and I'm at a complete loss at how to manage it's capacity for development...I know all very mysterious but much too precious to be revealed. It also could be a hankering to commence some activities that I have been wanting to start for some time, and simply have not had the financial asserts to do so. Maybe it's the inner conflict I have been experiencing with certain beliefs that do not correlate to the beliefs held dear by certain family members. We appear to have now gone full circle, ending up where we first began. So basically, it's pent-up frustration, about a good many things, beyond my control. Most eating disorders revolve around people who have lost control and feel that by controlling and focusing on their food intake, eating too much or too little to make themselves feel better about certain situations. Psycho-analysis. #Wooo. No, actually, bad. I am a pyscho that analyses things too much. More like #Boo.

Maybe I should just be more like Scarlett and learn to brush things off. Whatever happens, happens, and worrying about something so much that it gives me anxiety problems is not ideal. Not ideal at all.

So...

"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

To Be Connected Or Not To Be Connected...

Despite the fact that I've spent the evening with a wonderful friend and subsequently came home to a house full of people who wanted to engage in either serious conversation or comical banter, I felt a distinct need to be connected with the world. So where do I turn? Facebook.

*hangs head in shame*

I know, I know. Prying into the lives of others to feel a sense of participation in this world is not ideal. In fact it's a cop out. Facebook is a cop out. You see someone you haven't seen for yonks and inside your head is a flashing slideshow of all that's been happening in their lives for the elapsed time since you last saw them simply because you regularly check the newsfeed. So you ask them how they are, but in reality, you already know because you've seen it on Facebook, and then you have to act all surprised about the fact that they've bought a new car or recently become engaged or don't like the way their neighbours play music very loudly and early on a Saturday morning when they are trying to sleep. In. Don't want to do it. Act all surprised and crap. COP. OUT.

On the upside, Facebook is good for keeping in touch with friends who live overseas or for getting in touch with people you knew from yonder year. Other than these acceptable reasons, Facebook stands as a platform for annoying little bitchy witchy-poos who gave you hell at school (etcetera) to brag about their 'cooler than thou' existences. Think I'll pass. Thanks.

So why do I look to Facebook for connection? Is it simply because it's a live interaction with the occurrences of the now? Or is it to feel comforted by the fact that there are others out there struggling with the same things as I? Perhaps it is to feel warm from comments left on my wall, requests to catch up, or notifications regarding an invitation to an event. Is there an emotional void in my life? A lack of friendship or excitement, perhaps a longing to do as others do, to be included in certain things, to be part of a wild and colourful photo album of amazing pursuits. Why don't I just leave it all behind? Shut down my Facebook account. I could. But then I'd lose touch with some of the wonderful people I met in Sydney. People I didn't necessarily request a phone number from but were comfortable enough to give me access to what they do on a daily basis (see the irony?) Besides, just because you reject a social norm and become an anomaly, doesn't mean jack. Yep, I said it. Does not mean nothin' because you're missing out on the benefits all for the sake of proving a point. So as long as you can stomach the bitchy witchy-poos, you'll be right. And hey, whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

Enough with that. #inothernews

I've broken down. My month without junk has been violated. I feel disappointed in myself yes, however, I did manage to last two weeks (not consecutive weeks mind), and I feel proud of that. I've committed to starting again, and have been clean for three days now. Gosh that sounds pathetic. But, one day at a time, without too much forethought and obsession is the way to go. I'm learning everyday, struggling and triumphing, celebrating my wins, mourning my losses and having a jolly good laugh along the way.